Sentencing remarks…

Paul Alexander Stuart Frame, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence.

You are an habitual cricket supporter, who accepts liking the watching of unsavoury characters who whistle as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts victory in the same casual manner.

We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences:

You will watch England lose for five years.

 

Take me home, County cricket

Almost heaven, Wantage Road, Trent Bridge seamers, Severn River.
Life is old there, older than the Sheffield Shield, younger than the MCC, blowing like Gareth Breese.
County cricket, take me home to the place I belong.
Derbyshire, Monty mania, take me home, county cricket.

All my memories gather round her, umpire’s hazy, stranger to blue sky.
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky, misty taste of Oranjebloom, teardrop in my eye.
County cricket, take me home to the place I belong.
Worcestershire, Monty mania, take me home, county cricket.

I hear the voice in the morning hour she calls me, the radio reminds me of team far away.
And driving down the M11 I get a feeling that I should have been watching Bopara yesterday, yesterday.
County cricket, take me home to the place I belong.
Leicestershire, Monty mania, take me home, county cricket.

County cricket, take me home to the place I belong.
Gloucestershire, Monty mania, take me home, county cricket.

What would Lottie Edwards do?

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What would Charlotte Edwards do
If she was here right now,
She’d make a plan
And she’d follow through,
That’s what Charlotte Edwards’d do.

When Charlotte Edwards was in the Ashes,
bating for the urn,
She did two sweeps and an on drive
While wearing a blind fold.

When Charlotte Edwards was in the World Twenty20,
Fighting grizzly spinners,
She used her magical fire breath,
And saved the team’s fair hair.

So what would Charlotte Edwards do
If she were here today,
I’m sure she’d kick an ass or two,
That’s what Charlotte Edwards’d do.

(Alastair Cook)
I want this ECB V-chip out of me,
It has stunted my vo-ca-bu-lar-y.

(KP)
And I just want Piers Moron
To stop fighting everyone

(Bell)
For Gilo I’ll be a Twenty20 batsman, too,
Cos that’s what Charlotte Edwards would do.

And what would Charlotte Edwards do,
She’d call all the cricketers in town,
And tell them to unite for true
That’s what Charlotte Edwards would do.

When Charlotte Edwards traveled through time
To the year 3010,
She fought the evil robot kings
and saved the human race again

And when Charlotte Edwards built the pyramids,
She beat up Kubla Khan.

Cos Charlotte Edwards doesn’t take shit from an-e-y-body

So lets all get together,
And unite to stop Giles Clarke
And we’ll save English cricket too,
Cos that’s what Charlotte Edwards do.

And we’ll save English Cricket too,
Cos that’s what Charlotte Edwards would dooooo,
That’s what Charlotte Edwards do.

England after taking a wicket vs New Zealand at the Ford County ground, Chelmsford in June 2010.

England after taking a wicket vs New Zealand at the Ford County ground, Chelmsford in June 2010.

Folsom Prison Blues (Australia 2013-14 mix).

I hear the final test a comin’
It’s rolling round the bend
And I ain’t seen England win since I don’t know when,
I’m stuck in Australia, and time keeps draggin’ on
But that tour keeps a rollin’ on down to the S.C.G.

When I was just a baby my mama told me. Son,
Always be a good boy, don’t ever play with debutantes.
But I selected a debut leggie in Sydney just to watch him die

When I hear that Aussie crowing, I hang my head and cry..

I bet there’s rich folks eating in a fancy corporate box
They’re probably drinkin’ coffee and smoking big cigars.
Well I know England had it coming, I know England can’t be free
But this team keeps a changin’
And that’s what tortures me…

Well if they freed me from this tour,
If that England job was mine
I bet I’d move the team on a little farther down the line
Far from Australia, that’s where I want to stay
And I’d let that Aussie crowing blow my blues away…..

Ben Stokes has something about him.

Something in the way he moves
Attracts me like no other cricketer
Something in the way he woos me

I don’t want to leave his innings now
You know I believe and how

Somewhere in his smile he knows
That I don’t need no other cricketer
Something in his style that shows me

Don’t want to leave his deliveries now
You know I believe and how

You’re asking me will my love grow
I don’t know, I don’t know
If he sticks around now it may show
I don’t know, I don’t know

Something in the way he knows
And all I have to do is think of him batting
Something in the shots he shows us

Don’t want to leave his innings now
You know I believe and how.

Capitulation is painless

Through early morning fog I see,
Visions of the series to be,
The pains that aren’t withheld for me,
I realize and I can see…

That capitulation is painless.
It brings on many changes.
And England can’t knick or leave it if they please.

The game of cricket is hard to play,
They’re gonna lose it anyway.
The losing card they’ll someday lay,
So this is all I have to say.

The bowling of Johnson will pierce our skins.
It doesn’t hurt when it begins.
But as it works its way on in,
The pain grows stronger…watch it grin, but…

A brave man once requested me,
to answer questions that are key.
Is it to bat or not to bat at three?
And I replied ‘Oh why ask me?’

That capitulation is painless.
It brings on many changes.
And England can’t knick or leave it if they please.